I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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