I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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