I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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