I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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