just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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