For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
