Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
