You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
