True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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