Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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