i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
