just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
