hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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