His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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