There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
