everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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