I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
