Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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