We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
