he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
