I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
