my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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