I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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