here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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