I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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