Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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