I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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