respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
