I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
