Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
