He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
