Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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