I just pynch a tree in the face
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
