You made me cry and you don't even care
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
