Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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