I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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