He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
