Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
