i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
