Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I will be naked everywhere
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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