I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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