Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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