Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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