My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
