so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
