we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
