If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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