weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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