tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
