Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
