My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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