Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize