ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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