I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
