Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
