dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
