pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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