Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
