Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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